I recently completed my Insights Discovery accreditation. Insights Discovery is a psychometric tool which helps people understand themselves and understand others. We all have a unique mix of four colour energies with a preference for using certain colours. These colour energies are a filter for how we perceive the world and the people in it. It was a really inspiring four days and I love the use of colour energy to explore how we behave. As part of the accreditation, we looked at our own profile. Nothing surprised me about my mix of my colour energies but since completing the accreditation I have been more alive to how I adapt and connect and how I respond to others. The realisation for me is that my ability to be open to other people’s styles is far greater when I feel comfortable in a situation. Take a work situation where someone gives feedback on a proposal – I have no problem with direct, no-nonsense feedback to evaluate something quickly and come to a swift conclusion. Compare this to my swimming lessons where I suffer from imposter syndrome. That direct feedback triggers my “I’m rubbish at sport” story and I feel inadequate. The same feedback needs to be given to me in a much more supportive way as it helps me to feel like I am making progress in a situation that I find difficult. What does this tell me? We are all unique and we all have our unique mix of colour energies, and these give us a great indication of why we behave the way we do. But we also have to be present in the moment to be alive to other vital signals which may require us to adapt differently. What you need from me today may be very different from what you need from me tomorrow depending on the situation, emotions, past experiences, underlying stresses, to name but a few.  So do use the data you have wisely – it is a rich source of information and helps us to understand ourselves better and understand how we might better connect with those around us. But don’t forget to take every situation as it comes – be present, be in the moment, be curious and use everything you see, as only then can we truly form better connections.

It’s January and lots of you might be thinking about whether you have made the right resolutions for the year. I find the word resolution so cut and dried – it’s defined as “a firm decision to do or not to do something”. No wonder we feel a strong sense of failure when we don’t manage to keep up our resolutions. Instead, I like to think about making intentions and forming healthy habits to help me get there. And it’s totally ok to change those habits to find a way that will fit comfortably with the rhythm of your life. The key is to be self-aware and know whether you are avoiding something slightly challenging or scary, or whether there is genuinely a good reason for changing that habit. My intention for this year is to take on a big swim and to get there I have upped my training. Whilst I’m excited about the swim, I am also really scared and it triggers my old narrative of ‘I’m rubbish at sport’ and in turn, my embarrassment doing sport around other people. Last week I found myself considering cancelling a swimming training session and I stopped to reflect and ask myself why? Did I need to change the time because of other important commitments or was it because I was fearing the session and looking for an excuse to cancel? I realised I was anxious about the session and there was no other good reason to cancel. I sat with the fear, I sat with the discomfort, and I thought about how good I would feel at the end of the session. More importantly for me, I reminded myself that I wouldn’t have even considered going to a session like this 3 years ago. I am swimming in higher circles than before and sometimes I don’t give myself credit for this. The path to growth means we constantly put ourselves in discomfort, then get more comfortable and aim for the next big thing and face the discomfort again. We often forget how far we have come and don’t take the time to celebrate the successes along the way. What did I learn from my session? This is my session and no-one else’s. I have to set my own targets and be honest with myself afterwards about my successes and what I would like to work more on I often have imposter syndrome and the fear that other people are judging me for being too slow. After the session I realised that I couldn’t remember a single thing about anyone else’s technique, so I doubt they can remember anything about me! Most people are concentrating on themselves in those situations I always think I am the only one worried about something and yet whenever I share this, I realise that I am not alone. Being more vulnerable with others has helped me form stronger relationships and embrace my fears Kindness is an important part of my life and yet I don’t always consider how harshly I am judging myself – talking to myself as I would support a friend helps me to encourage myself, celebrate how far I have come and know when to push myself more I know that my habits work best when they are things I want to do rather than things I feel I have to do. I wanted to do this session, even if I did feel the fear, because I enjoy learning, getting fitter and the positive impact on my mental health There will be discomfort but when I analysed it, I realised that most of that discomfort was my limiting beliefs rather than anything tangible stopping me doing it I know I need flexibility, so I have picked sessions where I have flexibility each week to fit around my other commitments I need to be self-aware and honest with myself about why a habit is not embedding itself successfully – Is it the wrong time? Am I really interested in doing this? Or is fear getting in the way?  And for me personally, I need to remind myself that every swim I have ever done has made me happier, stronger, braver and better equipped to conquer the world.

As we approach the end of the year, we find ourselves reflecting on the last 12 months. Personally, it has been a year with a lot of joy, particularly in terms of travel, and yet there has also been so much not knowing. I’m used to the not knowing but this has felt like a longer, more uncomfortable period. But here’s the thing, if we don’t go through those periods of discomfort and not knowing, we don’t open ourselves up to new opportunities and places to grow. I learnt this year that I have to sit with stuff longer, listen to my heart, try new things and remind myself that I don’t yet know the right path. Part of the journey is going through the rough bits. I knew that this needed to be a period of change and that requires the work to get there. I am reminded of when I left university and didn’t fancy a job as a management consultant or accountant. In the 90s there seemed to be no other advice for economics graduates, but I knew there would be something out there that I would love. It was 2 years after graduating that I discovered the world of events – 2 years felt like a lifetime yet 25 years on, I still love it. It was worth the discomfort and exploring till I found something that made me come alive. There is so much social pressure to do the job that you ‘should’ be doing, to live the life that follows a certain pattern and as a result, we don’t always take the time to explore what is right for us. Through these periods of growth, I’ve learnt that I need to be reflective, but I also need to surround myself with friends and activities that bring me joy. And while these periods of wintering can feel difficult, by sitting with it, by working through it, I have emerged feeling energised and more purposeful about the path ahead. As you reflect on your year and look forward to 2025, have a think about: What can I learn from the hard stuff that has happened What can I celebrate How can I hold my nerve when everyone around me seems to be living the perfect life (spoiler alert – they’re not!) What do I need to flourish and come alive Who in my life can support me on this journey without judgement and with love How can I embrace uncertainty and stay open to the opportunities ahead It is a running joke amongst my friends that I am always early for things. I always say this is because I find it stressful if I am late and it feels disrespectful. But there is another reason for leaving early – giving myself those minutes in the day creates unexpected moments and connections. By building flex in my day, I allow for that chat after swimming, to stop and admire nature, to have a fleeting chat with someone, to read an article that sparks a new idea, for the magic to happen. We are all left to our own devices and can feel pressure to take a certain path, but we can influence the route, try things out and create space to energetically connect and find out what makes us come alive.  I love this quote from Cory Allen “The more you can live the life that feels right, instead of the one you feel is expected from you, the happier you’ll be”.

I’ve just finished a course on Ikigai – the Japanese concept of your ‘reason for being’. It is the intersection of four areas - what you love to do (passion), what you are good at (skills), what the world needs (mission), and what you can be paid for (profession). I love this concept and yet I feel that lots of people think that finding it must be pipe dream. My experience was incredibly inspiring, showing me that we can all take steps towards it and I wanted to share my reflections. Our inner critic is quick to come out but how often do we spend time thinking about what we are good at. Do take some time to understand yourself and the value that you bring. If you are prone to being modest, why not ask colleagues and friends what strengths they think you have In our busy lives, we can be guilty of not being conscious with our decision-making. Having an Ikigai statement as a guiding principle can help us follow a fulfilling path. Even if we make decisions that are not fully in line with where we want to be, being conscious about them makes it easier to make peace with it I learnt a lovely phrase ‘benevolent assertiveness’ – learning to say no to things kindly without feeling guilt or shame. I’m reminded of reading Sarah Knight’s “The life-changing magic of not giving a f**k” which taught me to pause before making decisions and check that I did things that were in line with my values and how I want to live my life It reminded me that life is a constant balancing act and it’s ok that things can feel out of kilter but the more we can be aware of this, the easier it is to manage our emotions and our self-care Through the process I have learnt what my non-negotiables are in terms of values. If I am triggered in a situation, it is often because my non-negotiables have been compromised and this helps me understand my reactions There is always something I can do each day to move me towards living a more connected life – whether that’s breathing, swimming, connecting with a friend, coaching or journaling. The key is in how we embed those healthy habits. Some of my habits like swimming are so embedded, others are newer and taking time to bed in. It’s all about finding something that fits with your life Our reason for being is constantly evolving, so take time to evaluate and see what’s important for you at any moment in time Ultimately, think about what makes you come alive as you are likely to have the greatest impact  I love this quote from Howard Thurman which I live by, “ Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who come alive”

I’ve just come out of a busy few weeks of work. It is very easy in those times to wish away the days and weeks in search of a more balanced way of being. But life is rarely the balanced nirvana that we dream of. Whilst there were a few moments where I wished I had more hours in the day, I also noticed a few wonderful things about this period: My wordle scores improved with a huge spate of 2s – perhaps there was something about me being in the zone and focussed and needing to get it done quickly! I still managed to swim a lot. We say we are too busy to fit things in, but can often find time for the important stuff. Perhaps some of what we can’t fit in isn’t right for us? I was more aware of what I needed each week to connect with myself and others. Being busy made me prioritise what I wanted and needed and that meant that those moments of connection were very meaningful I scaled back social commitments to allow myself time to recharge but occasionally realised I needed that connection – this led to some impromptu meet ups and the joy in deciding to meet someone on the day is just lovely I enjoyed the adrenalin rush and the sense of achievement – good stress can be a helpful thing in giving you the impetus to get things done I was able to identify the areas of work where I particularly thrive. In moments of high stress, it is good to reflect on the things that are going well  Life is a constant journey and rarely quite goes the way we might expect so if we can welcome the waves, we might just find moments of energy, joy and clarity as we ride them.

I have recently returned from a wonderful time in New York with friends that I have known for 30 years. Because of our daily songlist and constant chat, I feel more connected to this group than ever before, despite our disparate locations of Ballarat, Glasgow, Paris and London. And what made the trip so magical was that we could delve into deeper enriching conversations without having to waste time on catching up on what we’ve all been doing for the past few years. It made me think about the challenges on building a culture in a hybrid world. A team might get together once a week and that time might be spent catching up and rebuilding the connection that is not there constantly. Or conversely everyone comes into the office and sits on Zoom calls all day so there isn’t much of an opportunity to connect with others. How do we constantly connect to our colleagues and maintain that connection? There’s not a magic bullet and it’s different for everyone but there are some things that you can think about: Think about touch points that you can create with colleagues, particularly those that don’t happen so naturally when people are working virtually. This could be drop in lunchtime open teams calls where people can say hello and chat or working with teams open so that you have colleagues to brainstorm with or use as a sounding board Ensure that there are enough check-in points for people to see how they are, not just to go through their workload Get to know colleagues and know their interests, hobbies so that you can connect on a personal level Be vulnerable and share highs and lows with colleagues Communicate more and particularly think about how you can support newer members of staff with their induction and learning. It can feel very daunting to have to constantly call your boss to ask questions on Teams so pre-empt this with more regular communication Think about how you can get the most value from being in-person and ensure you schedule activities that will continue to build a strong culture  Above all, talk to people and find out the best way to support them and stay connected to them. We don’t have to be mind readers, but we do need to communicate, listen and show empathy to forge those stronger connections

Last week I was happily ticking off on my habit tracker how many times I had swum and yet again I had hit my target. If you’re like me, there is a dopamine hit from ticking something off and feeling a sense of accomplishment – I know I’m not the only one to add something to my list just so that I can tick it off! However, I realised that my habit tracker needs to evolve. Swimming has become part of who I am. It is more than a habit, it’s an essential part of my week and my whole being. The only time I don’t swim is if I am sick or away and not near water! There are other habits that I haven’t fully adopted and that’s where my energy needs to lie if I want to continue to grow.  It's easy to set up goals or habits and when we reach them, we plateau for a bit as we are happily achieving what we set out to do. I’m all for celebrating our successes and in fact we don’t celebrate enough. Yet I know that there are other habits that are proving more difficult for me, and I’m guilty of riding the wave of knowing I have swum and walked 10,000 steps to mask the fact that some other habits have fallen by the wayside. I am trying to be more creative and to learn and grow as a coach. These two habits haven’t been as easy to embed perhaps because creativity can take many forms and it’s not as easy as deciding to swim in the morning. I’m also experimenting with what works for me. I know audio learning like podcasts suits me particularly when it’s something that I would like to absorb and reflect on. I am trying out different ways to incorporate this into my week and seeing which ones suit me, my lifestyle and can adapt depending on the week’s commitments. It’s not as satisfying as I’m not getting the satisfaction of ticking off every week, but I do learn something about what I’m enjoying or what is working for me and how I might want to adapt that going forward. So we could stay in our comfort zone and feel smug about the things we are automatically doing for our mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health or we could think a little bit harder about where to devote our energy to move one step forward to living a life with purpose. Where will you put your energy this week?

I’ve just read Do/Conversation by Robert Poynton. I was fascinated by the exploration of the complexity of conversation. He said “Conversation thrives on variety and no one does it quite like you. The aim isn’t to become good at conversation, it is to become good at being you, in conversation.” I LOVE this – so often we go into conversations with egos, agendas and feeling like we need to ‘win’ or be right. It can feel like a competition to get one up on the other person. There’s an exercise I run in workshops, where in pairs, one person talks about a passion and the other person can only affirm or repeat back what they hear – they are not allowed to add to it or talk about themselves. Every time I do it myself, I realise how quick we are to turn things around to be about ourselves and our own experiences. We think we are adding value by giving our perspective but is that always the case? Sometimes friends / colleagues do want advice, but more often we could be more present, listen more attentively and give them our full attention. Noticing what is said can take a conversation somewhere you never dreamed of going. I used to be the first person to speak up in a workshop because I wanted to fill the silence. It took me a long time to realise that silence is where the magic happens. To hold the silence can be so powerful and allows time to reflect, pause and formulate thoughts. Being more comfortable in that silence is very liberating. I was also reminded in the book of the importance of connecting and conversing in different ways with different people depending on what the purpose of the conversation is. I have a WhatsApp group with 5 university friends that started as a holiday. Through lockdown it became our daily check-in where we share a song that brings us joy. For all of us, it has become an important daily ritual to know that someone is there thinking of us. I love it because it feels like a group of friends that live together – we drop in and out of chat particularly because of time zones. You don’t have to participate in the conversation but if you need someone, they will be there for you. With other friends, we rarely WhatsApp but then pick up the phone and chat for hours. And conversations with strangers in the park can lead to great friendships and holiday buddies – I know from my own lockdown experience! It can feel daunting walking into a networking event or a party where you know no-one but embracing it and finding a way to connect with someone is a thing of beauty. Evidence suggests people are more open to random conversations than we anticipate – we just have to get over that initial moment of discomfort. And there are so many ways to do it. I remember being at a lunch where I was amazed how my colleague barely revealed anything about himself but fired a lot of questions at our lunch guest. If you are feeling nervous, the best thing you can do is listen, show interest and ask questions. I always come alive when someone is passionate about something, no matter what the subject matter. Most of all, if you go into conversations with a generous mindset, there is always something lovely that can happen – maybe you can change the course of someone’s day for the better. As Robert Poynton says “Conversation is a musical thing, like jazz or birdsong: more ‘call and response’ than question and answer. It enables us to travel great distances, but the joy is in the journey not the destination”  So how will you connect with someone today?

I was recently telling someone that I have the fear every time I speak in public, and they were surprised to hear this. It’s something I know about myself and I also know that once I relax and get into it, I get a real buzz and enjoy myself. The difference between now and 10 years ago is that I am acknowledging those feelings and understanding they are part of who I am. Rather than pushing them away and pretending they don’t exist. I like to reframe my fear as evidence that I care, that I care about doing the best I can and having a positive impact. In Gestalt coaching, we talk about anxiety being suppressed excitement and I think it is just that! We can stay in a zone of comfort but we would miss out on so much and just because there are difficult emotions, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. If we want to grow and be curious, we have to step into discomfort. As Susan David says, “Only dead people never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.” So we need to be with those feelings and work out what they’re telling us. In my own journey of self-awareness, I am more aware of my feelings – I feel them deeply, see them as data and know that this is a natural part of life. I recall many years ago, I went to an induction at my local reservoir. We were asked if anyone was anxious and my hand went straight up whilst a room full of triathletes sat there looking unphased. I have retold this story several times, and everyone says to me, of course some of them were scared, they just didn’t want to admit it. In acknowledging my emotions, being vulnerable and admitting how I feel, it can feel isolating and scary but the more I do it, the more I invite others to be more open and vulnerable and the better the connection is. And what would life be without those amazing connections! We could remain comfortably numb but we would miss out on the full richness of life. If we acknowledge what we are feeling, we can also think about what we can do to prepare ourselves, whether that is physical, mental or emotional preparation. So how can we embrace those emotions more fully and ensure we still push ourselves If I’m scared about something I love like an open water swim, it’s easy - I can imagine how amazing I will feel afterwards! Sometimes it can be helpful to know which bit is causing us discomfort. With public speaking, I tend to ensure I know my opening well as then I relax into it and the rest just flows I also think about what’s stopping me doing something and how I can counter that Or maybe it is just plain scary but if you don’t give it a go, you’ll never know. What’s the worst that can happen I find it helpful just to focus on myself and try to stop worrying about what others are thinking about me – most of us are with our own emotions so not interested in the other person! Mostly I think about how I’d like to live my life and what makes me come alive and if this is moving me in the right direction, that I know I should give it a go  So what’s the one small step you can take today to be a bit braver and live life to the full?